Everything is amazing, and no one is happy

The Black Bra

A funny Story for you...

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is
engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over
just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how
it all went:

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the
woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me he said...

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

Jesus is My Friend

This is just plain weird. I found it on a friend's Facebook page.
I couldn't resist posting it here.
Enjoy!


You Tube Link - http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=1iUU6jTqB6k

Tennis Elbow

So, I went to the drugstore the last week for some Rub A535, you see, I have a bit of tennis elbow (even though I don't play tennis??!!) When I get there I find a machine, like a sort of computer doctor. You pee into a cup, put it into the machine, and it tells you whats wrong with you. Sounds to good to be true? Well listen further.

I decide to give it a go, piss in the cup, pop it in. It whirs and whines and then spits out a piece of paper which reads....

You have tennis elbow. Get some rest.

I was like, holeeeee sheeit. No way. Lucky guess. Anyway, a few days ago, I felt a cold coming on, went down there, pissed in the cup again, popped it in, the machine whirred away and sure enough, the paper it spits out reads...You have a cold, get some rest.

I couldn't believe it. So this morning, I decide to see if I can trick it. I got some of my wife's pee, my dog's pee and some more of mine and for good measure, I jerked off into the cup....I pop it in and the machine whirs away, takes a bit longer but eventually spits out this....

Your cold seems a bit better, but your wife is pregnant, your dog has rabies and for god's sake if you don't stop masturbating your tennis elbow will never get better!

George Carlin on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!  That's the key. 

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.  "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna  be 16! 

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! 

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk.  He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.  Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . .. and your dreams are gone. 

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60.  You didn't think you would!  So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. 

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!  You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.  And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

30 Rock

...rocks

Agree?

Recipe cards

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

Most I've laughed in a while.

D

Cartman The Bounty Hunter

Cartman the Bounty Hunter. A must see You Tube Special....
Check Out Dawg's Bitch Beth, and her "can't see over the dashboard" boobs.

You might be a runner if.

~ there could be hundreds of reasons....here's 10 ~

hearing the soundtrack to "Rocky" gives you goose bumps.

you wear a black, plastic sports watch with your dress clothes.

you can remember a time from a race 4 years ago, but you can't remember your friend's birthdays.

you are not embarassed to show someone where your hamstring "really" hurts. 

you know your resting heart rate, maximum heart rate, and exactly what your heart rate is at all parts of your run. 

you wear your running shorts underneath your work clothes so that you can quickly get running after work.

you love shoes...running shoes.

you won't drive by any running store without a quick look inside. 

you know exactly how far a kilometer is. 

you have more old dirty shoes piled by the door than a farmer. 

you've seen Chariots of Fire at least 5 times. 

you read each month's issue of Runner's World cover to cover within 24 hours. 

you get excited when you hear that there is a new Gatorade flavor. 

you not only know how you did in a race, but you know exactly how every other runner finished. 

you spend at least 25% of your income on running stuff.

Yo mama's So Poor

...she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!

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